Change, I can smell it in the air. Spring is around the corner and I feel the promise of new growth when I sit outside and watch the girls play. Change is all around me these days, and I need to embrace it, but I’m struggling to do so like a lady full of grace.
When I found out we were moving to Japan I’m not sure which made me cry more, the fact I would be so bloody far away from home, or the fact that I would be months away from 40!!! Months before that, I was already struggling being in my mid-30s. I enjoyed turning 30 and the few years after that, but last year and this year have been something else. I can’t put my finger on it, but it is there haunting me. Yes, these are the silly things this crazy lady thinks about..
By the way I’ve made peace with Japan and I’m now
excited, but still overwhelmed with the amount work that needs to be done to
get us there. I would just
appreciate it if people would stop themselves from saying; “Aren’t you afraid
of the Tsunamis and Earthquakes?” It never fails to be the first thing out of
their mouths, followed by, but you will love it over there. Umm Thanks, I
think? One of my biggest fears in life is drowning, and I’m going to be on an
island surrounded by water that just 4 years ago experienced the wrath of a
deadly tsunami. Premature aging
causing stuff here!
Back to my dilemma of not feeling or being young anymore… As I’m sorting and packing I’m finding baby/toddler/little girl things from the last move. This move I have young ladies. It is a hard pill to swallow thinking that I’m no longer a mommy, but a mom. Yes, I’m still needed and mostly wanted but not like before. I really, really miss them being those sweet, adorable little baby girls, and now they are sweet, beautiful, amazing, young ladies that I get to spend my time with. I can tell how things are changing and sometimes it really freaks me out.. I’m not ready for all this!! See another gray hair to make me feel another year older.
How do you age gracefully or just happily in my case? I know I have a great life and I have been able to do some pretty amazing things. So why is the thought of getting any older so daunting? Why does everyone seem to be getting younger while I’m getting older? Doesn’t help this process one bit!
How do you adjust for the next chapter in life? The chapter where you are needed less, wanted less, desired less, just a whole lot of less! Maybe, that is what I’m struggling with the most? I’m needed, but not as much, but yet it still feels like there isn’t enough time in the day.
I’m not always the best at closing chapters. Yes, I tend to hang on to things, but only the really good things. One of the harder things now about getting older is not completely saying goodbye to my youth which, by the way is like nails on a chalk board, but rather what leaves with it are my babies. As they grow so does everything else. We no longer are a young married couple with babies; we are now the couple with kids. Nope, don’t like the sound of that as much…In the wise words of my hubby…It is what it is and Life goes on…Sniff..But..Whah
Growing older effects EVERYTHING!!!!
On top of everything else Marriage goes through change, did you know that? I guess I knew it did, but got busy with life that I didn’t pay attention; till one day I woke up and said dang this is different! We have been married for almost 13 years so there is no way around change. Marriage brings out our selfishness, anger problems, score keeping abilities, pride and trust issues, but you have to find Grace and Forgiveness for each other to make it through thick and thin!
Last few months I’ve noticed changes and friends let me tell you we are in for a ride. One moving to Japan, that’s a biggie, hubby changing AF jobs again, another biggie, hubby hates current job with an unbridled passion: meaning he comes home almost every night in a foul mood, (which leads to him not noticing wifey getting pretty for him, which leads to fight, where wifey should have shown grace, but didn’t…Not pretty) Chickpea and Ladybug growing like weeds and only getting sassier by the day, lots to handle as a stay-at-home mom/homeschool mom. Am I complaining, NO…Venting Yes, but Complaining NO.
I google searched the heck out mid 30s and not much of anything useful came up. Found plenty of stuff if you are interested in finding a date and people wondering if they are going through a mid-life crisis. Nothing however, to help figure out what I’m dealing with, so I took a couple of days to soul-search.
So what's the point of this blog?
I had some grand adventures in my 20s. My 30s are for assimilating, and refining. At 35 I am discovering what it is to be ME. To be anything else in my life I have to be who God designed me to be as Andrea, then I can perform as wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend, but not before then.
I see now that life will continue to evolve. There will never be a point where I am all done, all grown up. Just when I’ve mastered one phase, a new one will come along such as, menopausal psycho, empty-nester-ness, senior citizenship, and so many more.
There will be many phases in my life where I will kick and scream the whole time, cry, laugh or want to hit the pause or rewind button, but it will be a life well lived. I hope I can gracefully embrace the changes of life with grace and that I’ll age like fine wine.